Riding the CTA

I ride public transportation to work every day. You get all types on public transportation – busy commuters, listening to their iPods, homeless people, begging people for money, and religious homeless people, begging people for money while praising the Lord. Every once in a while, you get people who simply don’t know how to behave themselves in a public, enclosed area. The other day, it was two young black teens that alternated between beat-boxing, yelling at each other while standing three feet apart, and screaming into a cell phone. Fortunately, my train car had the antidote to the ruffian problem – the preachy black woman. For those of you who don’t have a preachy black woman to make your public transportation ride quieter and more enjoyable, I’ve put together a short guide to becoming a preachy black woman.

Step 1: the qualifications. Obviously, you need to be a middle-aged black woman. But just as important is the tone of voice that you use. It needs to be preachy – not like parents preachy, but like born-again Christian preachy.

Step 2: the first step. No matter what deluded experiences you may have had with TV anchors and radio talk show hosts, it’s not persuasive if you start a lengthy tirade over nothing. First, you must politely ask the hooligans to be quiet. If they do not acquiesce to this request, proceed to step 3.

Step 3: establish yourself in a position of authority. You’ve got multiple points of support here. First, you’re older. Comments like “I’m old enough to be your grandmother!” and “Back during the civil rights movement, people respected their elders” are recommended. Second, you’ve got history on your side. Dropping names like Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King Jr. may not get you into a conference of the Republican National Committee but it will establish a link between you and these civil rights activists. You have a right to ride on public transportation in peace and quiet.

Step 4: the final blow. Offer advice to the hooligans on what they need to do to live a good life in society’s eyes. The goal here is to keep them distracted so that they no longer make any noise. You’ve already got their attention, so throw in a useful tidbit like, “You need to go to school and get a job!” However, for maximum effect, ask everything in the form of a question. So, the previous statement would turn into “You think that school is a waste of time? You think that getting a good job is easy?” That way, you’re consistently undermining your audience while giving them useful life lessons! This step can go on indefinitely. Feel free to throw in advice on anything from giving up your seat to the elderly (“When you get older, wouldn’t you like it if someone gave up their seat for you?”) to gardening (“You think that roses just grow if you don’t water them?”) or filing taxes ("You think that all you need to do is fill out Form 1040?"). Remember, it’s up to you to set these boys straight.