Wow

This story is really long. I’m sorry, a lot of stuff happened. When I came home last night with Tom to watch TV, I decided to make a few notes to myself so that I wouldn't forget anything, because I was ridiculously fucked up. They are below.

The night started off with six guys - Matt, Patrick, Tom, Phil, David, and me. We had a handle of really crappy rum... I think it was Providence. Matt wasn't drinking because he was driving, and I wasn't drinking very much because I was also driving. Between us, we managed to finish off 9/10ths of the handle. I'm sure if Matt and I were seriously drinking, we would have finished it. After a good hour of drinking, we decide to head over to my apartment. This was a good idea because there was cable TV and no parents.

So we get into our respective cars. Patrick, Matt, and David get into one car, and Phil, Tom, and I get into my car. About one block down, we notice that their car had pulled over to the side of the road. We go back for them and I make a U-turn.

Apparently, when they get into their car, Patrick was talking about how he wasn't going to throw up, how he was like a rock, etc. Matt told him that if he needed to throw up, to say so. About three seconds into the drive, Patrick says that he needs to throw up. Matt and David let him out of the car, go piss on some building, and when they turn around Patrick is gone. Completely gone. By this time, we've met up with them, so we make a drunken search party to find Patrick. After about fifteen minutes of no Patrick, we decide to go to his house, which is nearby.

Upon arriving at his house we proceed to come into it (the door was unlocked) and find him lying on the floor of his basement. There are strategically placed piles of vomit around the toilet and inside the toilet. Phil goes to Patrick and offers to stay up all night with him to make sure that he will be okay. Tom suggests leaving Patrick and going to my apartment. Matt comments that Tom is an asshole.

In the end, we decide to go to Phil's house. We were a little slow getting there, but when I finally find Phil's house, Tom is waiting drunkenly in the yard for me. We go upstairs, where Matt is watching, of all things, golf. I tell him to change the channel to Adult Swim, to which he responds, "It's golf, dude." I decide that physically wrestling the remote from him would be impossible. David comments that he really wants to have sex. Did I mention? David is sitting in a chair in his boxers. Unfortunately, there are no women in our party.

We go outside the house, Matt drives home because he's bored, and we go sit in my car and listen to music. David and I are sitting in the backseat, and Phil and Tom are sitting in the front seat. At some point, Tom decides to spit on David because Tom is really drunk. However, in order to do so, he must open David's door, which is very, very hard for Tom to do. Extremely hard. This is because the door is locked. Tom first tries to open the door tugging on the handle, which doesn't work because the door is, well, locked. Then, he tries to unlock the door and pull on the handle. However, this is difficult to coordinate. David is also not very happy that Tom is trying to spit on him.

About this time, Phil stumbles out of the car and goes to lie down in the grass on the other side of the street. We check that he is okay, to which he responds in the affirmative. After Tom successfully opens David's door and spits on him, we head over and join Phil on the grass. Phil is lying on the grass when David gets the idea to teabag him. David proceeds to pull down his pants and attempts to put his balls in Phil's mouth. However, Phil is still slightly conscious, and expresses extreme displeasure in this idea, specifically, "I will rip off your fucking balls off and stuff them down your throat." However, I am relatively sure that he would not be able to pull of the coordination required to do so. Instead, he rolls around on the grass, trying to avoid David's balls. I'm pretty sure David managed to touch every part of Phil with his balls except for actually putting them in his mouth. In any case, the effort exhausted David so he collapsed in the grass with Phil and I.

Tom decides to randomly turn his car around, which he does. This is extremely impressive because he is very drunk. However, after doing so, he wants us to move over to Phil's lawn because it is sketchy to lie on the grass on the side of the street. Although that may be true, the grass is extremely comfortable. After failing to try and pull us over, Tom decides to answer nature's call right next to David's face. David is EXTREMELY disgusted by this, and tries to get away from the pee by rolling away. This works.

At this point, Phil decides that it would be a good idea to go back to his house and get some water. The only problem is, Phil can't walk. He demonstrates this by trying to get up, then falling over as his legs fail him. I walk over to Phil and help him up, after which he takes a step and falls over again. So, I help him up again and support him with an arm. We mange to cross the street and get into Phil's kitchen, where Phil lies down on the floor, Tom sits down, and David and I find things to eat, including: honey chex, ice cream, and chocolate.

The evening is winding down. Phil passes out on the floor. Tom decides to make the situation a little more surreal when he finds a tape measure and stretches it out next to Phil. David drives home and Tom and I drive to my place where Tom watches TV and I stumble over to my computer to write the thing that I posted last night.